Mothers, Let Go of Your Sons!

I often tell mothers, “Please let go of your son.” A wise person once said that a mother must cut her child’s umbilical cord twice. The first time is when he is born. Despite her attachment, she must separate him so he can begin his own life. This is when the physical umbilical cord is cut, and he is given his first taste of freedom.

What Our Traditional Mothers Often Do

In many South Asian households, after a son marries and brings a daughter-in-law into the home, a subtle “invisible” umbilical cord often remains uncut. Many mothers hold on tightly to their sons, preventing him from fully committing to his new relationship. While mothers may worry that this distance means losing their child, it’s important to remember that, just as he roamed the world after birth, he remained their son. Even after marriage, he will not stop being their son.

However, insecurities and unspoken fears can keep a mother’s grip strong. This over-attachment can prevent a son’s new family from flourishing. I urge mothers, both those who already are and those who will be in the future, to allow their sons to develop their own home and life. Let that “second umbilical cord” be cut.

The Balance of Respect: Your Mother and the Mother of Your Children

Men often defend their mothers at all costs, sometimes even at the expense of respect for their wives. Commonly heard phrases like, “If you dare speak in front of my mother, I’ll do this or that,” shame the mother of their children, often in front of the children themselves. This behavior is pervasive across South Asian cultures, whether families are in India, Pakistan, or even abroad.

This mentality comes from deeply ingrained beliefs and societal pressures. Some men fear being labeled as submissive to their wives. To counter this, they often treat their wives poorly, even while being pressured by those around them. Media has long reflected this generational pattern, with shows like Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi portraying a cycle where mothers-in-law mistreat their daughters-in-law, who then repeat the same behavior when they become mothers-in-law themselves. Unfortunately, many women perpetuate this cycle, unwittingly becoming each other’s enemies.

Why Is the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Relationship So Difficult?

The strained mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is an age-old dilemma, one rooted in unmet needs and personal experiences.

A mother-in-law’s challenges often stem from her own past. If she didn’t receive the attention, time, or support she needed from her husband, she may carry deep-seated resentment. Watching her son provide his wife with the love she never received can spark jealousy and insecurity. Thoughts like, “I didn’t get these things when I first came into this family, so why should this new woman have them?” often lead to resentment toward the daughter-in-law, who seems to receive everything the mother-in-law once wanted.

Resolving the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Conflict

Sometimes, the mother-in-law even played a role in choosing her son’s wife. Ironically, she may become an adversary to the woman she selected. Her jealousy can be so overwhelming that it drives her to treat the daughter-in-law as a rival, a person she sees as reaping happiness that she was once denied. Instead of a new family member, the daughter-in-law becomes a symbol of missed opportunities and unresolved emotional pain.

The mother-in-law’s struggle is often internal, not truly with the daughter-in-law but with her own unmet expectations and lingering feelings of inadequacy. Without realizing it, her own disappointments fuel the tension that poisons their relationship. On the other side, the daughter-in-law feels targeted, turning what could be a supportive bond into one of misunderstanding and hostility